KEEPING UP WITH THE BIGWIGS 3: {Episode 2}

Humour

Aside | Posted on July 28, 2013 by eugenekaana

(Sunday, after church. They head back home to laze the rest of the day off, but not Nyakundi, he is taking his new girlfriend, Kerubo out. So armed with Sh.325 they head out to Mama Jimmy’s kiosk, they enter and sit on the benches)

KERUBO: (swats a fly) thank you sana kwa kunipereka out reo handsamu, i am oferchoyed (giggles)

NYAKUNDI: if I ton’t spoir you, who will?

KERUBO: (swats another fly) itisha menu, nina njaa chameni

NYAKUNDI: (pointing to the wall) menu ndio ire kwa ukuta gaki (shouts towards kitchen) MAMA CHIMMY! MAMA CHIMMY!! (mama Jimmy arrives)

MAMA JIMMY: sema customer, mletewe nini

NYAKUNDI: haya Kerubho, peana yako kwansa

KERUBO: (scans the menu on the wall) retea mimi matoke, arafu urete na chai pirika mocha, chapati tatu, uongese kitheri, arafu mandasi mbiri na ovacado ya kumi

MAMA JIMMY: (writes the order down then turns to Nyakundi) na wewe uletewe nini

NYAKUNDI: (eyes wide open, mouth dry and sweating) uhhhhm…niretee tu machi ya kunywa (mama Jimmy walks off)

KERUBO: sweeti hearti, mbona hukuri?

NYAKUNDI: (forces a nervous laugh) hahaha, niko sawa, ni fire nimefunga Ramadhani

KERUBO: ooooooh

(the food arrives and the plates fill the whole table, Nyakundi gets his water and sips it painfully as he watches Kerubo wolf down the food)

KERUBO: reo nachisikia kama princess (continues chewing)

NYAKUNDI: (sips water then looks aside to hide tears) kura Kerubho, reo ni siku yako

(Meanwhile the others are in the matatu going home, barely 10mins into their journey 3 gangsters posing as passengers rise up and unleash guns, A HIJACK IN PROGRESS!)

BEN MCKENZIE: (holding the gun menacingly) KILA MTU AINUE MIKONO JUU KAMA AMESHIKILIA SIMU!

(at that moment Mckym lets out an ear piercing scream, Wateba follows sui screaming louder than Mckym. Terry quickly swallows her S4, Lencer throws her HTC into her bra, Joe quickly drops his iPhone into his socks)

PAAPA: (pressing a gun in Mckym’s face) Sut up you Homo Sapien ama ukule risasi ya binduk!!! (Mckym pees on himself out of fright)

BEN MCKENZIE: (to the third gang member) Oya Hood anza kusanya hizo simu na vibeti haraka haraka!

JOYCE: (opens a bag) haya kila mtu tupa simu, wallet, kibeti, earings, watch na anything ina shine hapa ndani, HARAKA!!!!!

(the scared passengers do as they are told, then she reaches Joe and the rest)

JOYCE: wapi simu zenu!!

JOE: tuliacha home, hatutembeangi na phone tukienda chur…..

BEN: (interrupts him) TOENI NANGOS MAJAMAA!!! (points the gun at them)

JOE: sawa sawa sawa sawa! Tunatoa jo, usi shoot maze!

(they all fish their phones from their hidden places and throw them in the bag)

JOYCE: (to Mbunde) oya mwafrika toa simu

MBUNDE: (removes a Motorolla C113) ndio hii

JOYCE: aiiii boss, hio kaa nayo tumekuachia (to Ben) oya boss tumesanya zote, tu bounce before kudhoke

BEN: (to the driver) buda ebu reduce speed (places the gun on his head)

(the matatu slows down and the 3 gangsters jump out and dissapear into a bush….1min later Wateba removes shirt, jumps out and ‘gives chase’)

MCKYM: gosh!! Aki Wateba is sooo brave, gosh!!!

DOPEST: brave my ass! Anangoja wame dissapear ndio anajitoa na kifua nje, nkt!

WATEBA: (comes back panting and flexxing his muscles) wana bahati sijawapata walai, wangejua mimi ni nani

RAMA: enyewe abs ni za kufurahisha tu shati, hakuna kitu

(the other passengers laugh…..with a short distance remaining the guise decide to trek to the house, still shocked)

(meanwhile at Mama Jimmy’s…..)

KERUBO: (belches) heeeeeeeee!! Aki gaki Nyakundi, si nimeshibha!!! (pats her stomach affectionately)

NYAKUNDI: (grabs a toothpick) you are werkam….si umemarisa, toka twende

KERUBO: aiiiii handsamu, haraka yote ni ya nini?

(at that moment the bill comes, Ksh. 324)

NYAKUNDI: CHEHOFAAA!!!! (to mama Jimmy) kwani mnaripisa pia machi?

MAMA JIMMY: lipa bill acha story mingi

NYAKUNDI: (pays the bill and rises up to leave) keep change! Nkt! (to Kerubo) twende

(they walk silently to Kerubo’s bus stop)

KERUBO: asanti kwa reo Nyakundi, nimeshukuru sana

NYAKUNDI: nimesikia Kerubo, ndio hio gari panda.

KERUBO: haya kwaheri, tukutane siku ingine handsamu

(they hug and Kerubo gets onto the mat and leaves….)

NYAKUNDI: (to himself) tukutane siku ingine my foot!! Unakura kama orphan kunimarisia mpaka transporti arafu unataka tukutane tena!! Chinga! Nitakua single mpaka nikufe!!

(he starts walking the long journey back home aiming to reach before it gets dark)