TOP 15 MUST-WATCH ANIMES – 2017

There are two types of human beings in this realm, the awoken ones who are basically people who know what animes are and then we have the rest, the regular mortal beings…A majority of whom have the detestful habit of dismissing animes as cartoons. ANIMES are not CARTOONS. They are Japan’s gift to the world, passed down to them by God himself…..there is a very vast ocean that separates cartoons and animes, cartoons are for kids…animes are not.

Before I became an awoken human being I used to be an ordinary one like most of you, in my case I didn’t know anything about Animes, that was until I unintentionally walked in on a friend of a friend’s friend watching One Piece. To cut the long tale short let’s just say I have never looked back. Over time I developed a taste for these beautiful Japanese creations and at the time of writing this I have lost count on the number of animes that I have watched. I have sat through mind blowing ones and downright boring ones alike, and because of the love I have for you ordinary human beings I will save you the agony of having to sit through the boring ones. The animes I am about to list here are the ones I have watched, this is not a list lifted from the million online sites that rank animes, this is as personal as it gets. Welcome to the delightful domain of Animes.

15. RE-LIFE

relife

What would you do if you got a second chance at life? Visualise yourself right now with all the failures staring at you, disappointments borne out of the bad decisions you took…Imagine getting a chance to go back in time and making them all right. That is what happened to Kaizaki Arata, a 27 year old jobless man who keeps working menial jobs to make ends meet while at the same time pretend to be doing okay at life to his more successful friends who have good jobs…All this changes one day however when he meets a certain group of people who offer him an experimental pill, a chance to go back in time and start afresh. Will he use that chance to change things or will he slide back to his old ways? 13 breath-taking episodes that have it all, humour, romance and tears.

 

14. BONGOU STRAY DOGS

bonguo

A world filled with people who have supernatural abilities, as expected of such scenarios there are those who use their special abilities for evil, for destruction and then there are those who are forced to use their abilities to stop the evil ones. Bongue Stray Dogs is a story about a young orphan boy called Atsushi Nakajima who is on the verge of death by starvation after being kicked out of the orphanage for unknown reasons…but just as he is about to give up on life a ray of light appears in the form of 2 agents who offer him an opportunity he cannot refuse. The humour in this anime is off the charts, it easily passes off as a comedy than a supernatural piece, but it does have lots of dark violent moments. Two seasons of 12 episodes each are already completed.

 

13. AKAME GA KILL

akame

Tatsumi and his two childhood friends leave their improvished village and head to the capital to get conscripted into the army so they could earn money for their village. On their way to the capital they get separated and soon enough they discover that the capital they had always dreamed off is not what they thought it would be. There they are confronted with horrors beyond their imagination and are forced to do the unthinkable to survive. Humour and romance are served in huge doses in this anime, but the best servings are the fights, they will have you on the edge of your seat.

 

12. KAMISAMA HAJIMEMASHITA

kamisama-hajimemashita-5146

Nanami Momozono is a 17 year old school girl who finds herself homeless after he father gambled their house away and disappeared. As she sits on a park bench confused and clueless on what to do he meets a stranger who offers her a place to stay, the stranger leaves her with a gift…the gift of becoming a god…before Nanami realizes it she is forced to become a god in charge of a shrine that comes with two spirits and a very less than friendly familiar called Tomoe that answers to no one but himself, with nowhere else to go Nanami has no choice but to take over her new found role…will she make it? Romance, Humour and epic fights are littered all over the 24 episodes. Worth the watch

11. WORKING

working

If Japanese humour had a name then that name would be Working. The story follows the life of Daisuke Higashida who against his will is forced to take a part time job at a local eatery called Wagnaria to supplement the income at home after his father lost his job. There he gets to work alongside very weird colleagues, each with their own unique problems. The facial expressions and reactions in Working are gold. You will have to have a strong understanding of Japanese humour to get this.

 

10. BESERK

beserk

If you love the sight of blood and violence then this will excite your palate. It is a story about a man called Guts, a very strong soldier who happens to get mixed up with a very dangerous person who he thought was a friend at first. Guts and his fellow soldiers get sold to the devil and they spend the rest of their lives fighting and running for their lives after they get marked for a sacrifice. The one thing that made me sit through this one was the quality of the drawing, it’s unique. The fights are also very amazing.

 

9. BEELZEBUB

beelzebub

I have never seen so much stupid in one anime than this. Right off the bat it had me clutching at my sides. Beelzebub is a tale about Oga Tatsumi, a high school delinquent who loves brawling, One day while sitting at the banks of a river he sees the body of a man float towards him, the man jumps out of the river and places a baby on Oga’s laps before disappearing. The baby, who happens to be Satan’s youngest son sent to earth to destroy humans gets attached to Oga and he is forced to raise him….the rest as they say is nothing but comedy. This is a must watch.

8. SEVEN DEADLY SINS

seven

A story about knights and their supernatural powers. It follows a young princess called Elizabeth who escapes from the palace to go find the Seven Sins, a group of deadly knights who are responsible for deaths and carnage in her country. Her journey to assemble all the seven of them is filled with dangers, laughter, friendships and love. The one standing theme in this anime is the sexual insinuations, they are hilarious to say the least. The complete first season is packed with 24 episodes of epic fights.

 

7. HATARAKU MAOU SAMA

HATARA

Another rib-cracking comedy. The story begins with a war in an alternate universe where Satan and his minions are locked in war with humanity. Satan’s aim is to conquer the whole of humanity but he is met with strong opposition from a group of heroes led by a feisty woman called Emilia. Satan is defeated and with his last strength he opens up portal and escapes to another planet which ends up being earth…with no magic and no power he is forced to live life as a human being, working to survive, what follows is a hilarious comedy as he tries his all to adjust to his new life as he prepares to go back for a final assault on humanity. Hataraku Maou Sama is worth every minute.

 

6. TOKYO GHOUL

tokyo

Kaneki Ken is an ordinary young high school student leading an ordinary life in Tokyo, he loves coffee and reading books. He develops a crush on a beautiful girl and they go on a date, then things turn horribly wrong….Tokyo Ghoul is about monsters that feed on human flesh at night, monsters that look and act like normal human beings. Kaneki falls victim to one of these vicious monsters and it changes his life forever. Some of the best fight scenes you will ever find in an anime. 2 complete seasons so far.

 

5. AKATSUKI NO YONA

yona

A beautiful historical tale that follows the life of a young princess, Yona, whose perfect sheltered life is shattered when the King, her father, is murdered in front of her by someone she held dear. Forced to flee from the palace she has no one else to rely upon other than her bodyguard who also happens to be her childhood friend. Together they weather storm after storm in their quest to find the 4 dragons that will help her exact her revenge. Humour, Romance and fights are served in plentiful portions.

 

4. ONE PUNCH MAN

saitama

Saitama is not your ordinary man. He has no hair and lives alone. He has a lifelong dream of becoming a hero one day, a hero who helps people in time of need…but there is one huge problem, he obliterates everything with just one punch…In his quest to become a hero Saitama meets a new friend, Genos and together they join the Hero Association where they slowly climb the ranks by fighting villains on the daily. One Punch Man is nothing but pure blissful comedy, it will crack you up

 

3. SHINGEKI NO KYOJIN

kyojin

Humanity is on the brink of extinction, forced to live behind giant walls by man-eating giants who suddenly appeared out of nowhere 100 years ago and started a reign of terror…Eren Yeager watches helplessly as his mother gets eaten by one of those giants, he swears to take revenge and he joins the army so he could fight them…but things don’t seem to be what they are, shocking revelations lie in wait for him and his fellow soldiers as they stage humanity’s final stand

 

2. DEATHNOTE

Death-Note

Light Yagami is a very bright college student at the end of his wits, life has become boring and it takes sheer strength for him to see through a day…all that changes one day however when a strange book falls at his feet, a grim reaper’s book…a book with the power to kill any person whose name is written on it. With this new found power Light Yagami gets down to the business of getting rid of criminals in Japan…but his actions attract the attention of someone dangerous…a hunting game ensues, who will be the first one to blink? As far as story lines go Deathnote takes the crown.

 

1. SHOKUGEKI NO SOUMA

shokugreki

I don’t know where to begin, this anime is so overwhelming that I lack the right words to describe it, Epic is the word that would suffice for now. Shokugeki no Souma (Food Wars in English) is an anime about food, humour and more food. It follows the life of a 15 year old boy called Yukihira Souma, a chef who is determined to better his father with whom he helps run their family restaurant. Yukihira is sent to the top cooking school in Japan to further horn his skills against his wishes, but he soon realises that there is a world out there that he never knew existed, Before he knows it he is thrown into the ruthless battle field that is Totsuki Academy, will he survive the choppy waters?….Watch this on an empty stomach at your own peril, you have been warned

 

NB: ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS watch subbed versions of animes…do not watch dubbed ones, a lot is lost in translating Japanese animes into English, you will miss a lot of humour.

All the above animes and more can be found at http://kissanime.ru/ for streaming and downloading. Enjoy.

Must Watch 2016 Movies

What make a movie great? Is it the story line? The cast? What makes you hit pause and just take in the moment or hit rewind to relive a moment? This is a debate that can take a billion different shapes because every individual has his/her own definition of a good movie. What, however, is for  a fact is that this changes with time, the movies that made us drop our mouths while growing up are not of the same genre and style as the ones that make it tick for us right now, and sure as hell fire by the time we turn 50 we shall have a different taste. Today however I am not here to lecture about movies and what makes them great, I am here to list the 10 movies in the great year of 2016 that blew the breathe out of me, literally. Now this list is not based on what you will find at the Box Office or Rotten Tomatoes, this is a list born out of movies that I have watched only, I am a screenwriter, or so I tell myself, and suspense is my food and water therefore I shall list this in ascending order.

Now before I delve in I would like to make a little clarification of some sorts, this list may come off in a way to suggest that I hate science fiction, I don’t hate science fiction. I love seeing spaceships try to destroy earth, I love seeing Tony Stark and his overpowered costume loving friends kick ass all over the place, I love watching Batman and Superman try to kill each other in their tight underwear but you see I am no longer that kid out for some adrenaline rush, there is no way I will rewind a movie to go see Iron Man try to subdue Captain America with a lock jaw move but I will damn right go back several times to hear Bryan Cranston drop some sarcastic remark in All The Way, I will damn right go back a million times to listen to that opening song in Sausage Fest, I will go back to see Johnny Depp slick his hair back in Black Mass just before killing someone, call me traditional but I live for the humour, the sarcasm, the suspense, the camera angles and movements, I live for the reality.

 

  1. All The Way

all-the-way

STARRING: Bryan Cranston, Anthony Mackie, Frank Langella

The rise of Bryan Cranston in the film industry has been as unravelling as it has been meteoric, He is simply everywhere. This, however, was never the case. Like most of you I was introduced to Bryan Cranston in the acclaimed comedy Malcolm In The Middle where he played the role of a father handling a big family and his job, much of his post-Malcolm days are not very well documented, but his big break came with Breaking Bad, no need for me to delve into this masterpiece, we all know it.

All The Way is a breath-taking story of President Lindon Bird Johnson in the aftermath of JFK’s assassination in 1963. Lindon, masterfully played by Cranston, is forced into the forefront of a battle that was started by his predecessor and has to wade through the treacherous waters that is the Civil Rights Bill at a time when white supremacy in the United States was at its peak, His brush in with the Democrat politicians against the Bill coupled with the civil rights movement spearheaded by Dr. Martin Luther King (Anthony Mackie) create for a compelling drama littered with witty dialogue and sarcasm. The uncanny resemblance of Bryan Cranston and LBJ is astounding. Steven Spielberg as usual never disappoints

 

  1. Nina

nina

STARRING: Zoe Soldana

Before I watched this movie I did not know who Nina Simone was, I might have come across that name somewhere but if you had asked me who she was I would have given you a blank look, but by the time the credits came rolling up I was foraging the internet for copies of her songs. But her beautiful songs and this beautiful movie are not the only reasons why this movie has made this list, Zoe Soldana is the reason why this movie made this list, may the world be damned if she doesn’t win an Oscar for this. She perfectly nailed her role as Nina Simones to the point I started asking myself if she really was Zoe Soldana. For those that watched Colombiana be ready to be rendered speechless because this Zoe is not the Zoe you are used to. Set in the late 80’s and early 90’s Nina follows the true life story of Nina Simone, one of the greatest female musicians, in her final years of her life as she battled with drug abuse and legal problems. The camera work is magnificent, the script glorious and Zoe Soldana heavenly. You will feel like you are back in the 90’s.

 

  1. Storks

storks

Before I had even penned down the first sentence of this article I had already decided that Sausage Party was the best 2016 animation, that was until I watched Storks and I can now confidently declare that this is the best animation movie of the great year of 2016. But that is not where the surprises end, the movie is from the most unlikely of sources, Warner Bros! We are used to getting animated movies from the likes of Disney and Pixar and now suddenly Warner Bros get into the fray with this tantalizingly stunning chef-d’oeuvre, and the icing on the cake? The voice overs are done by people we don’t even know, not even a single A-List name in there!!

The storyline is pretty elaborate, it is about the age old myth that babies come from the sky, delivered by huge winged storks, very straight forward but full of humour you will keep pausing and going back, especially the Wolves part. By the time the credits will come rolling up you will be having a severe bout of baby fever

 

  1. Hell Or High Water

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Jeff Bridges, Chris Pine, Ben Foster

First of all, you should never ignore a movie that has Jeff Bridges in it. Secondly, you should never ignore a movie that has Chris Pine in it and this one has them both, on the opposite sides of the law. Hell or High Water follows the story of two brothers on a bank robbing spree in a bid to raise money to save their farm from being repossessed, in their quest they end up attracting the wrath of Marcus Hamilton, an about to retire police officer who makes it his last job to bring them down. The reason why this movie made it to this list is because of the aforementioned two….and Ben Foster, the humour is there, so is the action and so is the ever present growling voice of Jeff Bridges. You will not be disappointed, take my word.

 

  1. Magnificent Seven

magn

Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Chris Pratt, Vincent D’onofrio, Peter Sarsgaard et all……the last time a movie was this star studded was Snatch and it was a hit, so was this. Set in the late 1800s in the wild wild west Magnificent Seven follows a story of an small town that has come under the control of a gold mining company owned by a greedy and ruthless man who will go to any lengths to get what he wants, beaten and subdued the town folk have nowhere to run to, that’s until one woman decides to get the help of some 7 odd-ball people, each good in killing, to attempt taking back her town. The suspense in this movie is the stuff of heavens, the humour, albeit sparse, is worth every dime. Action packed from start to finish this thriller had me on the edge of my seat for the whole 2hrs and 12 minutes. The only annoying thing about is the incessant urge to count all of the 7 men every time they are on the screen, I couldn’t resist doing that and neither will you.

 

  1. Sausage Party

sau

Bad things happen, very bad things happen every time Seth Rogen and James Franco end up in the same room, and the last time they were in the same room Sausage Fest happened. I don’t know how they do what they do but they have successfully over the years become experts in buffoonery, the good kind of buffoonery. I discovered Sausage Fest by accident on Youtube, the moment I saw the title of the trailer all the bells started ringing in my head, when I saw Seth Rogen’s name in the credits I knew I had hit the jackpot. To call this animated flick insane is an understatement. The opening song in the first 5 minutes sent my ribs to the morgue, the humorous characterisation of food in this movie is from another realm.

  1. Kubo And The Two Strings

kubo

Another animated movie on this list. It follows the story of a young boy who lost an eye in mysterious circumstances, he embarks on a journey to find the truth about his parents and along the way he has to face some very dark forces that have been haunting him all his life. A very simple storyline if you ask me, and a very boring one at the first look, but wait until you watch it. The main reason why Kubo And The Two Strings made the cut is the quality of animation, it is a far cry from what you are used to. Modelled on what looks like Chinese folklore It is simply elegant and artistic.

 

  1. Bakemono No Ko

bakemono

Another animated film. Yes, I know you are now wondering why I didn’t just call this an animation list. I love animation and this was among the best from 2016. Bakemono No Ko is Japanese for The Boy And The Beast. It is about a boy who loses his mother and father and doesn’t have anyone or anywhere to turn to, so he runs away from home and accidentally stumbles into a magical realm of beasts where he meets and makes new friends who help him come to terms with his loss. If there is one thing that I have come to love about Japanese animations is the humour, Bakemono No Ko is riddled with it. The chemistry between the boy and the beast he befriends will leave you in stitches. The movie comes with English dubs but I highly recommend it the Japanese version that comes with subtitles. Japanese humour loses its spark when translated.

 

  1. War Dogs

wardo

No one hates Jonah Hill. He is chubby and funny and I would add cute but I won’t because a man is not supposed to call another man cute, but you get the picture, he is a loveable character. But in War Dogs Jonah Hill goes dark, the kind of dark that will make you hate him the way we hated Denzel Washington in Training Day, the irony here though is that the one person we all love to hate, Miles Teller, is actually the one who plays the good guy here. War Dogs is about a two childhood friends who decide to play the very dangerous game of arms dealing in their quest to make that quick buck, in their rush for gold they fail to see through the dangerous game of being arms dealers and by the time they realise their lives are at stake they are neck deep in trouble. War Dogs has the humour, the drama and the action, I loved it and I know you will too. Did I also mention Bradley Cooper is in this one too? Well he is, and he is not in his usual Mr. funny guy element, he is super scary.

 

  1. Black Mass

blac

You know I have never gotten over Captain Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp literally carried that whole franchise on his shoulders, he is the reason I have re watched the Carribean movies several times over. As expected his steller performances there opened up more doors for him, but honestly I was not ready for Black Mass. Johnny Depp has gone super dark before, like in that Dillinger movie, but he still had his humorous touch, albeit sparse, but it was there….but Black Mass is a whole different story, he is not just dark, he is downright scary, the type of scary that makes you too frightened to even hate him. Black Mass is about a ruthless mob boss who was as……you know what, let me save my breath, just watch the goddamn movie and get spooked too

 

More Than A Disease

breast_cancer

 

Nothing in the history of existence scares man more than the fear of the unknown, once man realizes that something is beyond his control he hits the panic button real fast and real hard. That is why 1945 was rife with doomsday talk all over the world, because of the atomic bomb. It was new technology and no one knew what it could do…..over the years the same scenario has played out involving many scares and near scares, but nothing has man more rattled than this logic defying disease that is cancer, nothing.

Standing on shifty ground is scary, not knowing when the ground might buckle below you and flung you into an abyss is the stuff of nightmares that is the kind of feeling that the current world is experiencing when it comes to cancer, or at least that’s how I feel about it. Smallpox wiped out millions before it was reigned in upon, the black plague that nearly rendered London a ghost town in the 1600s received the same treatment, AIDS has been wreaking havoc for the last 4 decades but a lot of progress has been made on that fight front, but cancer, it’s a whole new level of a monster. Most modern diseases have counter measures on our part, Malaria for example, all you need is to sleep under a treated mosquito net and clear bushes and stagnant water and you are good. Diabetes, you just need to check your sugar consumption. AIDS, all you need is to watch who you sleep with, but cancer has nothing, there is no manual of Do’s and Don’ts to follow, you just cross your fingers and hope for the best.

What causes cancer even? I have never seen a definite answer to this question, It is not like you can eat healthy all your life and avoid it, or you can be a good Christian and dodge the bullet, it comes without warning and once it sets in you are left with no other option that to start doing a countdown. Cancer is the only disease that has found a way to specifically attack specific organs, literally every part of our body has a special form of cancer that it could get at any time, skin, blood, brain, bones, breasts, throat, lungs, stomach, spleen….just pick a body part and you will find it has a special form of cancer, even the most useless part like an appendix has its own cancer……among this the only cancer whose cause has been positively identified is lung cancer, at least with that we know what not to do, but what do you do to avoid brain cancer, stop thinking? Wear some kind of special helmet? I mean what cases it, sunrays? The wind? What?

What about leukemia, how do you stop that blood that you need so much and can’t do without from turning that poisonous? Do you drink some special kind of water? For a disease so potent and diversified it is extremely unnerving that we know so little about it. The worst part of cancer however is not even getting it, it is what follows next, the life sucking treatment. Back in high school we lost a classmate to cancer, the dreaded leukaemia. This guy was a lively person, strong and tall and full of life, then one day he just disappeared from school, it was later that we came to know that he had been hospitalized. The few that went to visit him came back looking like they had just walked out of a very depressing movie, some had tears in their eyes, what chemotherapy had reduced him into will forever be etched in their memories. those familiar with leukaemia know that it is the worst form of cancer and that it has the most painful treatment procedure, in fact many believe the treatment kills the patients faster than the disease itself, our friend did die eventually leaving behind huge hospital bills and very sad family members and friends

How do you deal with a disease that has no cure, someone you love gets cancer and you spend all your energy and resources trying to get them all the help they need knowing deep down that their chances of making it out are slim at best? What do you? Do you let them to just wither away and die or do you pump all your savings into them just to extend their life by a few months so that you can tell yourself you tried? This is what makes cancer so dangerous, it is not just a disease that affects the patient, it destroys everything around it, it scares people so deep that it changes them…..that and that very scary fact that it has hereditary traits, imagine watching your mother die of breast cancer knowing that the chances of you going down that same road are stacking up against you.

Thanks to technology we can now at least be able to detect it early in some cases and try to nip it into the bud, but that too comes with a cost, you lose something important in return, a breast or a limb or something worse, Cancer will always win it appears, it will either take a life, a body part or destroy all happiness of the people around you. If this is not a disease of the apocalypse then I don’t know what apocalypse looks like, Like everybody else out there all I can do is just pray and hope that cancer doesn’t touch me or anyone close to me, a long shot yes but what else is there to do.

HouseWives Of KOT

[Charlie Puth’s Some Type Of Love is playing softly in the background. Nearly everyone is in the living room, some are watching the Olympics on the TV, some are reading, some are just seated, talking, it’s a normal Saturday afternoon] 

LENCER: (in a white robe tied at the waist, reclined on the sofa on her back, her face painted with a white paste, cucumber slices covering her eyes) I am now resigned to the fact that I will die single. 2016 is nearly coming to an end and I am yet to get a boyfriend, why is life is so unfair

JOYNER: (looking up from the book she is holding, a huge African headgear on her head) You will never find one my sister, these niggas out here ain’t shit, they are all  dogs

KHAIMIA: (sarcastically interrupting, holding a cup of tea in her hands) You sampled all 4 billion of them? All that mileage, you should be the face of CMC Motors

JOYNER: Shut up twat, what do you know about men anyway

KHAIMIA: A lot actually, more than you know, unlike most of you lonely women in here I have actually dated a living breathing human being, you should be asking for tips 

EVABULANCE: (Giving Khaimia an incredulous look) By living-breathing human being, could you be referring to the same ape that leaked your nudes? 

LENCER: (lifting the left cucumber slice off her eye) Oooh Boy

YAMAT: (sitting upright, ears cocked up) nudes? Whose nudes? Where? When? 

HR: (In a pink blouse, his hands held out for the nail polish to dry) Where have you been living, her nudes were leaked by her ex,  Asamo. 

YAMAT: SHE DATED ASAMO? 

HR: Like totally 

YAMAT: (to Khaimia) no offense sis, you have no say in matters relationship, you should be training KWS officers on how to handle wild animals instead. Did you ever kiss him? Just curious 

GATHONI: (putting down her bowl of cereal, giving Yamat the stink eye) Seriously Yamat, I am trying to eat here

JOYNER: Anyway, back to the topic, we need to find Lencer a boyfriend guys 

SLY: It’s raining men out there, how is it that you are single? 

LENCER: I don’t know why, I have gone on some dates but they have all been disasters, they all never seem to click

LIZUTD: What if the problem is with you? You know most times we set these lofty standards for ourselves then wonder why no one is taking interest in us

YAMAT: No, a lady needs to have standards, don’t listen to her Lencer, rather be single than than settle for less

LENCER: You guys aren’t even helping, I need a hook up, like right now! I can’t even remember the last time I saw some action

JOYNER: Jeez. Okay…uhhhhm let’s see then, I am sure we all have a couple of people we can suggest, guys? 

GATHONI: How about Mbunde, he is a charmer 

LENCER: Hell No!! I don’t want to be another of his statistics, besides we are both dark as sin, I don’t want my house to look like South Sudan.

SLY: (fist bumps Lencer) smart girl. 

KHAIMIA: How about Wafunya? He is kinda cute

YAMAT: Maybe with his head chopped off, you need to go get your eyes checked. Just be a spectator please. 

WAKYM: Na Kimathi je,  he is such a gentleman

LENCER: Well I don’t know, he does have style but I feel like he is too much of a gentleman, he looks like the type to ask for the 90 day rule so no. 

LIZUTD: Who called you Lencer instead of KEBs? 

EVABULANCE: What about Arum? 

[Without warning everyone starts hurling random things at Evabulance, she bolts out of the room trying to cover her head as shoes, books, plates fly at her] 

LENCER: Shens! 

YAMAT: What about Joe, he is not that bad, he has even appeared in a music video and is outgoing 

LENCER: No thanks, the last thing I want is to be seen with someone who looks like they are in their third trimester 

YAMAT: sasa wewe utasaidiwa aje na unakataa wote

KARI: How about Waiteba? 

GATHONI: He is taken

WAKYM: So? even Canaan was taken but the Israelites still took it. Bethsheba was taken but David still took her.  If he is taken then he can always be retaken

ALL: (in unison) Eish Magda!!! 

LENCER: Waiteba no, I am not a home breaker, besides I don’t think I can handle his stories 

JOYNER: The list keeps getting smaller, at the rate you are refusing all of these men you will be left with Nyakundi only

GATHONI: (putting the bowl of cereal down again) Joyner, we are eating over here, what the hell

TIANTA: What about Amasy

WAKYM: (doing a quick sign of the cross) Don’t!! 

TICHO: (holding her head) Woi! Kama unajipenda usiende huko

MERCY: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! 

[All the others turn slowly to look at the 3 with wide eyes] 

HR: (his hands still spread out for his nails to properly dry) This is interesting. 

LENCER: Who is Amasy? 

GATHONI: A sensei

LIZUTD: First of his name

JOYNER: Pussy slayer

TIANTA: Guys please stop. 

LENCER: How comes I don’t know him, this is strange

MERCY: (trembling a bit) His chapatis though……(trembles a bit more

LENCER: Put a star on his name, I will follow up this matter later…anyone else? 

KARI: Na sijaskia mkitaja Mike wa Texas

YAMAT: By the way, that’s a solid option Lencer, you should strongly consider him.

LENCER: Mike? No, he is too far away and he is too obsessed with saving Kenya, last thing I want is to date an activist, I don’t want to end up with a 27yr old dryspell like Winnie Mandela. activists hapana, cross him off that list

LIZUTD: Si you just get a cat then

JOYNER: What about Kaana? 

LENCER: No. His mixtapes could burn the house down and leave us homeless, I don’t want that

GATHONI: na huyu HR hapa

HR: (winking at Lencer) Yes boo, I could be your Mr. Right 

LENCER: No thanks, I am straight

YAMAT: and Mainneli? 

LENCER: No, his hands are full as it is, I don’t want to be number 9.

WAKYM: Na Kimaru? 

LENCER: Kima what now? 

SLY: (another fist bump) we should be friends, you are so smart

JOYNER: Well this list of all the eligible ones is over, the only people left for you now are Nyakundi and your close male relatives

GATHONI: and dildos

LENCER: I will die alone aki, maybe I should be a nun. 

KARI: Don’t give up sis, one day someone will walk into your life, just be patient and it will pay off like it did to me

YAMAT: OMG! Sheila you have a boyfriend? 

KARI: (spreads out her left hand to show a ring on her finger, a bright smile on her face) more than that, We are engaged. 

GATHONI: Aaaaaaw, so happy for you…who is he, do we know him? 

KARI: (giggling and blushing) I will tell you all about him soon,  all you need to know is that he works at KPLC….he has brought so much light into my life. (stares dreamily at the light bulb

JOYNER: So happy for you. You go girl. 

[Suddenly……

EVABULANCE: (shouting from the bathroom) AYAYAYAYA!!! THE HELL! NANI AMEACHA MANYWELE KWA SABUNI????
TO BE CONTINUED

21660: SAFARICOM’S SECRET CASH COW

Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you yada yada…..we all know how this ends, but here is a new one that has been borne out of the hard life that is being a Kenyan, this is how it goes, “Rob me once, Shame on me…Rob me twice, Shame on you…Rob me three times, are you Safaricom?”

Ladies and gentlemen the articles that have been written about Safaricom are enough to fill a library, they are always in the headlines for good and bad reasons alike. This is just another article about some of the many many  bad things that they do, but at the same time this is not like the other articles because what has made me sit down and cry about Safaricom (again) is the frustrating realisation that that which I am about to expose here will never stop, the realisation that it is a deliberately orchestrated thing.

Have you ever loaded up airtime to your phone and you accidentally play around with the buttons 5mins later and dial *144# and realise Sh.10 is missing yet you don’t have any active subscription? You don’t have to admit it, I know you have. It has happened to me a cool 4 times which adds up to a meagre Sh. 40 which really is nothing to whine about on a blog like this, right?

First time it happened I thought it was an error so I just ignored it, what is 10 bob? Then it happened a second time and I decided to find out why that was happening, so I hit up the official Safaricom twitter handle and asked them what was up with their mysterious deductions, this is what their responses always look like

image

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They also mentioned something to do with me subscribing to that by accident online, by accident, 4 times, okay…See I didn’t want to argue despite the fact that I didn’t know what that 21660 Games subscription was and neither did I have any recent recollection of me, Eugene son of Kaana, ever subscribing to any Games thing, so I did as they had asked and sure enough I got a confirmation text informing me of the successful unsubscription. I didn’t want to ask questions and so like a good Christian I let it slide, besides who wants to argue over 10 shillings?……then it happened a third time and a fourth time and that is when I felt the blood of my ancestors boil in me, my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy…..😒😒😒😒 What….anyway at this point I realised something was up and decided to confront Safaricom, all I got were incessant apologies and calls from their call centre (why do they call people just to apologise?). Apologising for an error is noble, the problem I had with their apologies however was that they did not come with refunds, once that 10 bob is deducted it’s gone forever.

Now you are wondering why would a handsome guy like me take 30 minutes of his precious time to come whine about embarrassing 10 bob deductions, I mean I could be using this time to woo girls and all but take a moment and entertain my ramblings for a moment.

By December 25th 2015 Safaricom had 25.1 million subscribers, a cool 25,100,000 Kenyans were active subscribers. That ladies and gentlemen is half the country’s population. Now think for a moment about the amount of cash Safaricom makes if their 25.1 million subscribers ‘accidentally’ subscribe to 21660, how much does that amount to? That’s a cool Ksh.251,000,000 they will make in a single day without breaking a sweat or wind, that 10 bob doesn’t look so small now mate, does it? Okay, For argument’s sake, let’s say out of those 25.1m subscribers only 5 million religiously load airtime to their phones on a daily basis, if they all ‘accidentally’ subscribe to 21660 Safaricom pockets a cool Ksh. 50,000,000 by the close of the day, which translates to a meagre Ksh1.5 billion in a month (Yes, 21660 is an auto-renewing daily subscription with no direct way of unsubscribing from it). All of this from just a fraction of their subscribers, what was that profit figure they proudly announced the other day again? Yeah. That little 10 bob might be nothing to you but many 10 bobs taken from 5 million people everyday for a month translates to 1.5b bob to Bob. (Damn that rhyme!!)

Me writing this will not stop Safaricom from doing this, this little post is like a fart in their face on a very windy day, I mean they are among the largest companies in Kenya, directly contributing to the economy, ask the government. This article will also not dent Safaricom’s impenetrable stature and reputation, they are too big, they are the masters and we are the slaves, they play the tune and everybody else dances. This article is just a humble request to Safaricom to stop hiding behind prudence and integrity and just steal publicly like everybody else, we are used to being robbed since 1963 anyway, we will not judge you, we don’t have the power for that anyway. But for heaven’s sake stop stealing from under the table, just grab your 10 bob and go, no one will chase you. There is no way I would subscribe to 21660 four times, not even if I had Duale’s IQ. Just take it and go post your profits and win your awards, stop hiding in broad daylight, embrace your inner Waiguru.

PS: For those interested in validating this just unsubscribe from all Daily SMS and Daily Internet and any Daily whatever then load airtime, say 50 bob and wait 5 minutes. Then check your balance and witness some top notch vanishing magic.

Also, What the hell happened to Zak?